Breathe No More

Today she watched the stars fade.

With paper pieces scattered at her feet, she basked herself in the regale of rain, seeking emancipation from the stillness of her mind.

So she thought of coldness – both the frost that lingered in the air, and the sound of snowflakes that broke with every heartbeat. Cold was beautiful.

And she thought of warmth – both the ardent sun that shall kiss away the freezing darkness, and the comforting touch that will gently set a flicker of fire in her soul. Warmth was beautiful.

Everything to her was beautiful. Nothing was mundane, or trivial, or pointless. She saw meaning in the smallest of thoughts; loved the obscurity of the abstract; knew that there existed the unforeseen; and understood that the future remained clandestine.

Yet though she believed so, she knew one thing to be eternally unbroken and incessant – the Soul of the Cosmos; The Hand that wrote the raging starlight; the sapphire Sun of her darkest days; and the golden Moon of her starless nights; the Life she continued to breathe; the Love that gave her the missing half of her soul.

And the rain halted its cadence. She was free at last, from motionless notions, for she knew inspiration had come upon her. Planets started to align, supernovas began to collide, chants of glory echoed through the universe, angels set off to fly. It was all coming to life in black ink on paper pieces. It unfolded before her eyes, and she knew that the next idea was yet to come. The rest was still unforeseen. Her mind was always as unpredictable as the world. But even so, she knew there were things that were bound forever. She would always love the Love, and she would always love the soul.

Tomorrow she will watch the stars fade.

© Maxinne Marie

March 16, 2008. 03:26 AM.

Honestly I’m still so disappointed that David
Archuleta didn’t bag the title. Archie’s voice is so beautiful,
it gives me goosebumps just listening to him sing. If he won he
would’ve been the youngest American Idol in history. Cookie is a great singer as well, (and I totally love
his rendition of Mariah’s "Always Be My Baby") but in my opinion there
are a lot of singers out there who sound like him. Take vocalists of rock bands for example, that typical raspy, powerful voice. Cook is versatile, yeah, I know that. Anyone can be versatile but not everyone has a voice like Archuleta’s. I
would’ve wanted the younger David to win the title, as I think his
voice is stunning, UNIQUE, his performances were just amazing. But
congratulations to Cookie anyway. I like them both but I love the younger David more.

1. Dark eyeshadow. I actually used black for my makeup during our ballroom dancing Culminating Night.

2. Mascara. My makeup is not complete without it.

3. Plaid designs (I have a pair of shorts, a skirt, a bead necklace and a beret – all plaid. Ü)

4. Nail polish in dark colors like purple, black and crimson.

5. Ice skating. Tried it for the first time ever last April 17, 2008. Thanks Mr. Jonald (a coach at SM Mall of Asia Skating Rink) for never letting me fall. Ü

6. Barbie’s beautiful gowns. I so want them, especially the ones she wore on her Island Princess, Rapuznel and Swan Lake movies.

7. Swarovski crystal jewelry such as my pink flower-designed necklace and earrings set.

8. Braces. Um, coz I have one? Ü

9. Boyleg undies a.k.a. boyshorts. They’re too cute!

10. Disney princess movies (including Enchanted). Don’t you just love the love stories? I know I do. Ü

Life isn’t like the movies. You don’t hear the music when you kiss in real life. You’ll only hear your heart beating to a rhythm only the two of you can understand.

Revive

RC Amor R. Vagilidad

Her mere presence
broke the foreboding darkness barricading the freedom to where she left me. The
time where confusion made the night fog thick and the unholy aura dispersed is
when everything started. I am where to nowhere, alone in a labyrinth never
told. But I was held into deep slumber, and your loss becomes clearer everyday,
and every night. The nightfall reminisces the day you held my hands, in the
awkwardness of everything. And it led me to you, the maze was never too cruel,
as it was you I was finding.

You’re still the mere presence, loved and beautiful that I just can’t leave.
But you left… in the awkwardness of the night. You are the clear sight of my
dimmed night. The doom where drums began their cadence, heard throughout the
adversity of loneliness, is when everything ended. But the light of the day
never ceases. For the drums can be heard once more, in the music of hope…

Now I understand, why ‘the revive’ is never too far… ‘The revive’ is within
me. I and you, to find ourselves together inside a puzzle of awkwardness, and
you’ll be loved.

Now I understand the mere thing I once cannot… that I’ve loved you from the
very start of the maze.

Disperse

(A Reply to Revive)

Maxinne
Marie B. Sentina

It was my mere presence that left you – just my
presence, never my song. Perhaps you were lost, searching for a hand to lead
you out of the labyrinth you put yourself in. I could have been the one, but I
could not. How can I? I was in that labyrinth as well, and you would only go
halfway to nowhere if I held your hand, in the awkwardness of everything. It
was the time when all there was left for me to see was a mist of perplexity.

There were things that I could not escape from.
My fate was clear. One day I’d leave; my presence would only taint the ground
you stand on; one day the world will see that this was not where I should
belong.

I know, as I can feel through the regale of your
music and your words, I am loved. But I had to leave. The nightfall had come at
last, it became the twilight of this awkwardness. I left you my song, I left
you my light. Nonetheless, your sight has dimmed. When the drums of solitude
began to cadence with the fading of the music you played, everything ended.

But you should not cease to listen to the beat,
for when daybreak comes, your music shall be heard again, the drums of hope
remain.

I, too, now understand what I once cannot. You’ve
loved my presence from the very start of the maze. Just my presence. You did
not hear my song.

You will understand, my “disperse” is your
“revive”. And when you find it within you, you know you are loved.

© Maxinne Marie

March 17, 2008. 12:00 AM.

Unforgettable Moments of 2007

January: Letting go, moving on and starting to find myself
again. Putting an end to some stupid relationship.

February: Totally crushing on a classmate. I’d always share
my kilig moments with Cilby and Marshie.

March: Falling for a writer. March was so full
of drama.

April: Getting to surf the net all day, all summer, doing
digital art and somehow getting sort of discovered - my works caught some
attention at DeviantART and I was given a three-month premium account by some
random person over there.

May: Got my Canon Powershot A570 IS! ^_^

June: My 17^th birthday wasn’t that memorable.

July: Big Bro/Big Sis and Lil Bro/Lil Sis - 2007 College of Nursing Acquaintance Party! It was July
6 when I first met Janer through that Big Bro & Big Sis activity. RC
is my uncle/classmate/best friend, super close kami. We were looking for our
big bro/sis. Then RC told me nga kilala nya na kuno ang big sis ko, close kuno
sila sng big bro nya, and they said upod nlang kuno kami 4 mag pa picture sa SM
City. So we met up that Saturday. Du mga buang kami, labutaw ko dan, si RC dw
gaga2 man, super labutaw pa gd si Big Sis ko Manang Bo kag si Manong Janer. Friendship!

August: Nursing Fun Days, I guess. Got to be musical this
time. Ena and I won first place in the vocal duet contest of the Nursing Pop
Idols event, off to represent the college for U-week. And another thing: I met Manong
Francis through Friendster and we went out one day to get to know each other. Friends
kmi subong eh. Upod man kmi sa Nursing Pop Idols, contestant man xa. Click kami
sa music kag kantahanay. Haha. Lastly, August 29: Janer asked for my number.

September: Aside from those dreadful return demonstrations… Oh
mehn, September is the best! This month (autumn ni xa in other countries?) was
so full of unforgettable moments! Simple moments lg gd pro super happy gd ko sa
times nga to. I was sort of crushing on Jan Ree na. Sort of lang ha. September
1: Night Shift 6! I was super happy coz I got to talk to my sort of crush pag Night Shift. As in
talk to the max gd ya. Upod kmi ni Christine Marie. And I found out pa that
night nga he was awesome at painting. Gosh. The following week txtanay kmi ni
Janer. Du binuang gd ya ke Smart xa, Globe ko ya. Hay naku kagasto. See!
Wahaha.. Then one Saturday after ka return demo ko, he gave me a drawing,
laminated pa. Ma recall ko pa gni nga nagtext xa nga wait ya ko kuno sa 2^nd
floor. Nka red to xa. Tapos na lecture nila. Nag talk pa gd kmi sa lobby. Kag ang
drawing gd ya! Oh, teh! Anu natabo sa heart ko bay? Smash. Ang sort of crush naging super crush. September 21: Gin updan ya
ko bakal Ampicillin. I met him sa canteen to give him The Alchemist which he was gonna borrow. I said, “Lakat ko anay
Nong, bakal ko Ampicillin.” He asked, “Ma gwa ka?” I said yes. Hmbal ya, “Ta!”
Upod kmi dayun gwa, ginapayungan ya ko ke nag ulan pag gwa namun canteen, la ko
ndala paying ko. We went to a drugstore and got Ampicillin. Then went back sa
school. I thought gd ya nag upod xa pagwa ke mpuli xa. Ayteh. Gin updan ya lang
ko bakal den balik naman kmi school. Hahay. September 22: He gave me a bar of
chocolate bisan joke ko mn lang ang pag pabakal ko cia the day before. He gave
me another drawing. Then I had two slices of choco-strawberry mousse that day,
hatag ni Mama earlier, she said i-share ko lng kuno. So I shared the cake with
Janer. We had cake and coffee sa canteen that rainy afternoon. After that we
went to QH, nag sturya2 lang, then gin dul-ong ya ko puli. September 28: Upod
kmi watch Patches of Art, cultural presentation sng PESCAR pag PE Day. After
the show we ate at Jollibee. And he walked me home. It was raining and we were
under one umbrella. September 30: We went to attend mass at St. Clement’s together.
What can I say? Grabe heartbeat ko pag “Our Father”.

October: Return demonstrations in Nursing again. And yet, the
best man ni, continuation pa sng moments from September. After my return demos,
we’d usually see each other and he’d walk me home, carrying my really heavy
yellow green jelly bag containing all my paraphernalia. Lol. October was the
time when I really wondered what we were, what was going on between us, if it’s
love, if I’m in love. Confused and falling. I think this month was also the time
when we went photo shooting cats, the sky at dusk, more cats, and more skies at
dusk – all at the Nursing Student Center at school. The finished pieces were
awesome, and I have him to thank that for.

November: Community Health Nursing! Bonding with Lola and
Lolo at Brgy, Camangay, Leganes. Mikki was a great partner! We had the exact same black Penshoppe backpack pa ha! The CHN experience was so fun, and we got a good grade for our Family Assessment. Go, go!

December: *Speechless* The first time I ever went stargazing
with someone in an open field was on December 6 at CPU. Fireworks. Stars.
Moments. Love. Effort pa ha! Nagkadto gd ko bisan may post test sa Patho and
Pharma the next day (December 7)! And the day after that, December 8, turning
point! How can I not love you? Tell him that the sun and moon rise in his eyes!
Hesitate no more! What a perfect way to end the year 2007.

So fill the year 2008
and the years to come with beautiful moments worth remembering. Live like it’s
the last moon rising.

Anyway, this was
inspired by Mikki’s blog entry of the same theme. She says she’s determined to
slim down this 2008. I, on the other hand, am determined to gain weight! Whoa.

So let me start on the
Unforgettable Moments of 2008:

January: Case Pre! The grand case
presentation (January was on my patient. The day before that was when I
really cried for the first time in a long time coz I had to do a lot, and I
mean A LOT. From writing the Nursing Process to typing all of it, making the
Powerpoint presentation, going to a far-away place (specifically Pavia) looking
for an overhead projector and ending up providing one for the class (because the
BIG problem there was that there were no more projectors at school available
for us, all were reserved).  With that in
my mind, they told me to have my case pre printed on acetate – something which
I would never ever do since I knew I couldn’t finish all of it by 10 PM which
is the time when the only acetate-printing computer center Acclaim closes. And
the grand case pre was at 7 the next day! Oh sheesh! What could I have done? I
had to PROVIDE a stupid overhead projector so we could use that PowerPoint presentation
I was doing. I had to buy a stupid connector for the projector that cost
PhP1000. The experience was terrible. Imagine staying up late in front of my
computer just to finish that damned Nursing Care Plan coz they wanted more,
more, more. And suddenly the power goes out. WTH?!? Brownout! So I cried again!
The day before our Grand Case Presentation was when I cried and prayed a lot. I
only had two hours of sleep. We were to be there by 7AM. If Tating didn’t call
my landline, I would’ve been super late. Guess what time I woke up? 6:55 AM. I
panicked. Took a really quick bath, got dressed in my uniform, didn’t eat, and
walked fast to school. Good thing the clinical instructors were a little late
so I got there ahead of them. Thank GOD I survived!

February: the 13th, Dinner at Krua Thai with my Dad, his best
friend Tito Juancho, and Tito Juancho’s daughter Jcile who is my childhood best
friend. Why memorable? I loved the food at Krua Thai and ate FIVE plates of
fried rice, chicken with cashew, prawns and more fried rice. I had ordered bottomless
iced tea, btw.

And that’s about it. The year 2008 will rock! At least that’s what I hope for. As I always say, err, sing, live like it’s the last moon rising. Scream just like no one’s there. Lose all of my defenses. Love like it’s the very last moment in time.

A thousand and one dreams had passed - dreams of verdant valleys and auburn butterflies, of wild golden horses and sapphire skies.

They haunted my mind and yet never changed the coldness of my stare, my touch, my voice. Somehow, it was the frost that kept me alive through the wretchedness of the human world.

The human world shattered me into little pieces too sharp to put back together. I cried, not allowing anybody to wipe away my tears, for somehow my senses knew that when nothing else was there to save me, my own tears would. The arctic wind flowed, iced the tears reflected among the shards of me, and I was whole again.

Tears and snow had saved me. Wind and rain had kept me alive.

And I became apathy - intimidating, melancholic, yet beautiful.

A thousand and one dreams dared to revive my heart - one that has denied to beat for eons. Not a single flight of the dragonflies (which I loved) could awaken my soul from the deep slumber of a hundred years.

I watched the stars every night, waiting for one of them to fall and bring me back to life.

Like the first lonely autumn leaf from a tree of galaxies, one of them did fall. We met. He smiled, and for the first time in a long time, I smiled as well.

His eyes were like candlelight - he looked at me and my soul was gently set aflame. I could touch the sun’s ripples again, as if it was the first sign of spring that drove away my winter wonderland.

He painted me a new world - he had saved me from the nothingness I lived in. He painted mountains and Oriental skies, cascading waterfalls and crystal oceans.

The sound of his voice was music, his laughter was bliss. And I heard myself sing again.

His mere presence was life. Auburn butterflies glided through the sweet breeze, fiery birds pirouetted above seas and rivers. The dance of the dragonflies finally touched my senses, and I could breathe again - as if I had fallen into ashes and after dynasties, reborn.

I felt the slightest touch of his hand, and I was the emotionless no more.

© Maxinne Marie

September 16, 2007 @ 5:19 PM

…to everyone! Spread the love!
- - -

“Love him and let him love you. Do you think anything else under heaven really matters?” -James Baldwin

“We love because it’s the only true adventure.” -Nikki Giovanni

“My heart… It feels like my
chest can barely contain it. Like it’s trying to escape because it
doesn’t belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it,
I’d wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No
demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just
your heart, in exchange for mine.” -Yvaine, from Stardust

A philosopher once asked, “Are we human because we gaze at the stars,
or do we gaze at them because we are human?” Pointless, really… ”Do
the stars gaze back?” Now that’s a question.

You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn’t true. I know
a lot about love. I’ve seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it
was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those
wars. Pain, lies, hate… It made me want to turn away and never look
down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves… You could
search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything
more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also
know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable,
unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and… What I’m
trying to say, Tristan is… I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan?
I never imagined I’d know it for myself. My heart… It feels like my
chest can barely contain it. Like it’s trying to escape because it
doesn’t belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it,
I’d wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No
demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just
your heart, in exchange for mine.
-Yvaine

You want to know what the Captain really whispered to me that day? He told me that my true love was right in front of my eyes. And he was right. -Tristan

…has passed since the day I told him I felt the same way.