Breathe No More

I was invited to by the LINK.exe of the Institute of Information and Communications Technology at West Visayas State University to be one of the judges for the Photomanipulation contest. The theme was surreal, so it was cool, coz that’s one of my favorite categories in digital art.
For the first time ever, I was a judge.  Cute!

Got to meet renowned photographer Mr. Jake Borres and Mayad Studios’ Mr. Rafael Jamil Pranga.

It was really a great opportunity and an honor. Thanks very much to Nico Encarnacion, President of LINK.exe.

The sun was slowly drowning itself into the deep, leaving me in a soliloquy once again. The wind swept through my hair as I gazed at the purple waters calmly colliding with the shore of three oceans, where a timeless memory echoes quietly…

You pulled me by the hand and held my waist, your body inclined towards mine. In a breath of a moment, I was poisoned by your venomous kiss, leaving me frozen underneath the cloudburst that drove the sea mad - the water snaked through the sand in cadence with the song of the thunder.

I was shivering in your frosty presence, drenched in the cascades of the somber clouds. And you haunted me with what I came to realize as our last embrace.

Amid the ardor we felt, we were both desolate. And nature felt our misery as told by the outraging poetry of the sky and the sea.

Before long, the great yellow ball of fire arose from the horizon, illuminating the shore of three oceans with its ardent beams.

The sapphire dolphins danced under the vast waters and through the salty midair. They had come to bring you back home. You are a creature of the sea, and you can not ever belong with me, my love, my prince.

You left, but the touch of your hand lingered on in my skin. I watched you descend into the depths as cold crystals fell from my eyes, blurring my vision of that fateful parting.

And from then on, I had told myself that you shall forever be a distant dream that took flight with the creatures of the depths. I urged myself to believe that you had always been unreal, mythical prince of the oceans, only a silent reverie isolated from the reach of an entity of the earth.

…I watched the dolphins play in the aubergine skies distortedly reflected on the serenity of the waves, colliding with the shore of three oceans. Suddenly, I felt a familiar frosty presence. I closed my eyes as I was poisoned by a soul-freezing kiss… His Highness still haunted me with his embrace.

I opened my eyes. A hundred eons it has been since I became the remnant of the soul of an earthen maiden that lived far beyond the dream of a dream. Realizing what I have become, knowing it was impossible to die again, I walked into the waters, dived with the dolphins and creatures that belonged to the love of my lonesome heart. As I flew through the water, a transformation took place without my knowing it. I was only a soul as I embraced the sea. Yet now that I am within the three oceans, no longer on their shore, I became a creature again, this time, one that belonged to the sea.

I kept on swimming through a world no mortal had ever lived in, and I saw a tower of light where merpeople played.

In the distance, I saw the prince. A hundred eons he had waited for me.

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Written July 25, 2007 @ 11:00 PM © Maxinne Marie

No, I don’t have one. But I did experience anxiety. Who hasn’t, anyway?

The few moments before my vocal solo pop singing contest during the Literary-Musical competition of the Nursing Fun Days 2008 was one of the most anxious times of my life so far. Backstage, I was restless, my hands were shaking, I was walking back and forth all over the place, I was laughing at whatever, I was stuttering, my extremities were tingling, and I was breathing really deeply. I was worrying so much about what I’d do once I go out there and sing. Because, first off, I kept on forgetting some of the lyrics. Second, I wasn’t sure if I could reach the highest notes (you know, the “baby, baby” part) without making mistakes, because so far, all my practices were imperfect. I had made mistakes every practice session. Third, it seemed as if there was a lot of pressure on me, considering the fact that I won the vocal duet contests with Ena last year, both on the Nursing Fun Days 2007 and the University Week 2008. Therefore, there were a lot of expectations on me. And I kinda pressured myself to meet them. The pressure was on.

Anxiety totally overcame me backstage.

Nursing interventions?

• Friends. Ena Faye, who was constantly giving me emotional support and praying with me; and Aiza, who was assuring me that I was going to give a good performance.
• Phone calls. My mom couldn’t leave the office back home; she wasn’t able to watch me perform. But she was calling me every now and then, telling me to calm down, to pray, to breathe and prepare for the high notes and difficult parts of the song, and to perform as if I was Celine Dion. She also told me that it was just a contest, not the end of the world. And then, surprisingly Daddy was able to get there just in time to watch my performance and call mommy so that she could hear my singing through that phone call.
• Deep breathing. It helped me relax!
• Prayer. I totally needed God. The thought that He’ll guide me through it, that He will not put me to shame, that He gave me this talent and that I sing to give Him back the glory - those calmed my heart.
• The cheer of the crowd. The support from the audience was overwhelming. It boosted my confidence so that I was able to give it my best shot. From up there I saw Aiza with a big smile on her face.
• The I-can-do-it attitude. In times like that, believing in yourself makes a lot of difference. There was no turning back. I had to go out there and sing.

And that was it. I went out there and performed as well as I could. All-out stage presence and singing at the top of my lungs. Which resulted to one blooper episode - naka sab-it ang mini skirt ko sa wire sang microphone. And I only found out after the performance. I never would’ve known that it happened onstage if I didn’t see the video in my digicam. Argh… But I was still happy though because instead of committing mistakes on the high notes of the song, that was the only embarrassing thing that happened to me. It was less humiliating, kesa sa maglibag ko or mag piyok. Di ba? Haha!

Effective coping? I guess, yeah. Anxious moments were over at last. Goal met.

When we chose to take up Nursing, we had different hopes, different dreams. But along the way, we realized that our hearts had longed for the same things.

To feel the rush.

To realize the meaning of life.

And we only feel the same things at almost every end of the day.

To know how beautiful it is to be part of saving lives.

And at the end of the day, all we have to do is to stop and understand how beautiful it is to be who we are.

I’m still overwhelmed about the fact that Mr. Frances Greg Y. Bordon, RN, one of the critiques during our Sugar Coated Crisis Grand Case Presentation last Oct. 13, commended the Nursing Care Plan.

“Very good NCP,” he said.

I smiled upon hearing those words.

It felt like all the sleepless nights working on the nursing process, (mostly on the Physical Assessment, NCP, and final organization of all the parts plus the PowerPoint presentation) really paid off. I was so overwhelmed. Because I made that NCP. I made that care plan for ineffective renal and peripheral tissue perfusion r/t decreased hemoglobin concentration in the blood along with Tep who provided a lot of help in the rationales and evaluations, and Floi & Martin who also made the psychosocial NCPs. To think, it was Sir Bordon, the highly intellectual, super awesome clinical instructor who said it was a good NCP, with good interventions and some corrections/suggestions for improvement.

Thank God!

And big thanks + congratulations to all the people who helped make the grand case presentation a success. RLE Group 5 section C, thank you for performing a thorough physical assessment and we apologize that our assessments weren’t thorough enough. There were shortcomings but it was a good PA nonetheless. At least the stuff they critiqued about were some other things that should be included and a little of what should not be there. RLE Group 5 section D, Jip, In, Lov, Tim, Shyn, Yash, Tep, thank you since it was good enough that we have written the physical assessment in a way that presents ideas taken from Sir Bordon’s corrections. Aja! Drug study people, Neil, Paolo, Shaila, Jen and group mates, very good drug studies! Thanks to Johrley, Julyne & Becky for all their hardwork on the client’s history. Carl, Vincent, Cindy, Dom, Jan Brian, great job on the schematic diagram! According to Sir Villanueva, it was a “very good pathophysiology, because they discussed not only DM and DM nephropathy but also its other complications.” Yeah! 3C and 3D, job well done!

Thank you so much Sir Villanueva! Tanging kakampi ever! We love Sir V!

I’m also thanking all the clinical instructors for the corrections and knowledge they imparted, and for giving us a good grade. It does show that we’ve improved since our first grand case presentation. But of course, there’s still a lot of room for improvement.

Of course, a lot of my thank you’s still go to Mr. Bordon. I’ve learned so much from him, not only from this grand case presentation but also from his lectures and from the time spent with him during our RLE in the Pediatric Ward.

Wow, I actually felt so kilig when I said “Thank you, Sir,” after he gave his corrections on the problem list I presented (nagpresent lang ko, hehe!), and he replied with a heartwarming “You’re welcome.” How incredibly cute that two words from him made me smile as I walked away from the platform.

That was the kilig moment. And there was more, like when he called out “Miss Sentina” instructing me to either flash my PowerPoint or zoom in the Word document containing the NCP. (I was the computer operator that day.) Bwisit ah! Why do those little things make me go kilig? Daw langka ko ah! Something’s totally wrong with me. Hahaha! But can I help it if I really just like him a lot? He is so smart and so skilled and he inspires me to be a good nurse.

Sir Greg Bordon is one clinical instructor whom I will never ever forget.

Ayos? Ayos ah.

Hehe. Wham! May impact!

He actually reprimanded me for some reason (it’s not a clinical error so don’t worry), and when he did I could really see his concern, I saw his commitment in training me to be a professional nurse.

He’s been a great clinical instructor. To think, I was once scared of being under his supervision in one RLE rotation, because everyone knew he’s strict. When I finally got the chance to have him as my CI for our Pediatric Ward duties, wham! What can I say? He’s the BEST. I also loved his lecture on Disturbances in Oxygenation, as he explained everything really, really well and made sure that we understood them.

I so like him! I sooooo like him! He’s so good. Super.

• Junior Intern Ambu-bag (he’s totally gay, though)
• Junior Intern Sia (kay Levie Rose Sudario)
• Staff nurse Vladimir of the Surgical Ward.
• Crush nurse Junvic S.
• Sir Bordon
• Dr. B of the OR. (kay in-in! ^^)

These are the few people who make duties at the hospital a little less stressful. Haha!

1. is punctual on your dates (which can only mean 2 things – either he’s plain early or you’re just late.)
2. is courteous enough to greet you even though he is running late for his class (it usually makes a girl’s day, that’s for sure.)
3. admits his mistakes and asks forgiveness.
4. says sorry even though it’s obvious that it’s totally your fault.
5. lets you buy food first in the cafeteria even though you just got there and he is already starting to mold just by standing there long enough.
6. is someone who doesn’t compare your cuteness to a bear.

- by Aiza May Coo Robles a.k.a. Shirota-san, my mermaid-fairy mother.

I felt the rage of falling rivers and howling air, my feet cold and my body drenched. I listened to the silence of the invisible starlight, and stared at the shadowed nothingness around me. I had deafened myself as the rain clouds drummed and eerie light swiftly broke through the darkness, for all I could think of was you.

Chaos. Wrath. And terrifying silence. But all I wanted to see was your face. All I wanted to hold was your hand. All I wanted to feel was your warmth. All I wanted to do was kiss your frown away. All I needed to know was that you would still whisper the words of your soul that flow into mine.

I breathed your name, resounding through the infinite abyss of the starless night, even though I knew you would not hear me. Yes, because we were a world apart. My voice was drifting away like a drop in an ocean of rain. But at least, I knew that it would not be long until I can call out to you again.

In time, the midnight’s canvas will be starless no more when I look up to the heavens to pray. In time, an incandescent daybreak will resonate its sunrays, for somewhere in the shadowed nothingness is a faint candlelight of a promise.

…because even in the ire of tempests, my heart beats to the rhythm of yours.

…because still, and for always, I breathe your name.

© Maxinne Marie

June 27, 2008, 2:22 AM